If you've seen me play magic the gathering, you would have noticed the change in me. I've changed from a fast impatient player to a ponderous and more careful though still not very careful player. And this ponderous personality does reflect in my blogs. Those who know the topic today and are pedantic enough might notice the amount of posts it took me to eventually come to this post. And as you will see in this post, the number of paragraphs that i take to eventually come to the point.



Jessica, my poly project supervisor, once said of me, "You're still that happy go lucky person". She said i was a man of the present. Indeed appearances are deceiving, for i am more of a man of the past. Did i ever mention my story of a little blue bird? You might have heard me talk about it at some point of time in my friendster account.



The story goes like this; A little blue bird came to me, and granted me a wish. She said to me, "If you're given a chance to change something in the past, be it good or bad, be it for better or worse, what would it be?" And my reply was, "If i would be given the chance to change the past, i would change none of it. For i am today what my past made." "You're a foolish man.", the little blue bird replied.



Many months later, i still stand steadfast to my words, albeit at times i do regret them. But such is the past, you merely reflect upon it, not change it.



Yesterday (i am saying yesterday even though it is only just now, bcoz i know when i'll be online to post this) i had coffee with a couple of friends. If metaphors served anyone well, it has done me proud. And coffee that night, was just a little too sweet for my taste.



One of my friends, one whom i was once very close to, was talking about going to korea. Or maybe to new zealand, or bali. Whatever the destination may be, its significance was in the events to come.



I remember the unlikely beginings, the shaky journey, and i remember i once bought her a necklace. I asked of her, if she would stop wearing it, or throw away, or hide away, or even attempt to give it back to me if we went our separate ways. Yet another of the bandit's repertoire of hidden gems. The truth of the question was whether i would become a good memory or a bad experience. If i would become a good memory, then she wouldn't mind wearing it. If i was a bad experience, then any of the above actions would have come to pass.



One might argue that i knew we would eventually go our separate ways with that question. But i've covered this part in the tiny phrase "unlikely beginings" which i choose not to elaborate. But whether a good memory or bad experience, it shall never become known for the necklace is broken, i think. Broken, literally and metaphorically.



I am a poor man, that i've mentioned plenty of times. But i'm also a haunted man. My dreams are sleepless and my waking moments are haunted by the words of one of my cousins. She said of me, "...maybe its because you're unable to let go..." "Impossible", i replied. Innocent words and profound irony, i now know we live in a magical world.



Perhaps its not about letting go, perhaps it is about envy. Envy of her moving on while i hold on to the emptiness left behind. And perhaps it is not envy, but realisation. Realisation of that which will never be, and perhaps never even was.



I would have cried. But i did that when i was in gippy, together with stressful deadlines and bouts of despair. Now, what i do not leak in tears, i spout in words. I speak so as to open a hole to my soul. A hole not so much for readers to peek, but for me to bleed away the emotional pain. For it is with hope that careful thoughts and confrontation would make it go away eventually.



As the night grew weary, and the coffee passed around, everyone seemed to be asking everyone else whether he/she is going to the wedding. My reply was but a stammer and stutter, neccessarily inarticulate. Hearing one whom i was once so close to was going to korea only made it more difficult.



Where my voice shall fail, my writing will succeed. I am happy for you and i wish you happiness. I would like to go, but i cannot, for it would be too difficult for me. And i weigh my words, not in dough but in gold. (If anyone is wondering what the last sentence mean, read my post of 'the value of words'. It means i've given this post alot of thought and did my best to make sure that it is not harmful to anyone in anyway.)