Its 0440 in the morning, and i'm blogging instead of sleeping. I was awaken at 0400. I went to the loo, took a pee, took a draught from the complimentary mineral water, curled back up into the nice and cozy bed, look over to the other bed, colleague still sound asleep, open up my ears, couldn't find any source of disturbance that prominenetly labels itself as 'I woke you up'.
Idling minds and wandering minds. I began to curl up more tightly in bed as my mind began to wander. I half expected to hear spiritual beings walking in the room, taking a seat at my colleague's double bed, slapping my face for not believing and saying "I exist, therefore i am."
As my imagination run wild, i began trying to note if there was any Toyol (i assure you that it is not fun to click through Toyol websites in the dead of the night) pulling at my blanket. If there was any sudden cold draft of air or anything moving in the corner of my sight (kind of makes your eyes roll around). Unable to find my dream girl once more, i took my laptop to the network point to start blogging, all the while taking care not to take more than fleeting glances at the mirror, less sadako or the like climb out.
I then noticed that seated at the chair i was, my slippers and my colleague's shoes were pointed at me, so i went over to point them somewhere else. On my way back to my seat, i took one direct look at the mirror, mentally daring sadako to appear. I cannot help but remember what my friend, Cable said, "Sadako is actually a pretty girl once you get to look at her in the face."
What am i doing, an unbeliever of all things spiritual, fearing ghosts and spirits. Am i a hypocrite? Perhaps. But these things are so ingrained into my culture, my learning, it becomes difficult not to fear them. I have friends who are verily Christians who are also afraid of ghosts.
Contrary to what mr wang says so says, that in my quest to become more scientific i have become unscientific and blind in my unfaith, it is actually much easier to return to a life of believing. It takes alot more courage to step away into the cold and harsh loneliness of unbelieving (lonely in that there are no spirits, no gods, where the conscious me dissappear when i die, and no deceased family and friends to find after i die). But i shall keep that in mind, less atheism becomes a religion itself.
Wandering minds leap in bounds. I was then thinking about mr wang says so and a couple others' blogs that talked about the politics in my own beloved country. Religion, Christianity in particular, has alot in common with the ruling party in my beloved country.
The opression of human rights, freedom of speech, the disparity in income levels, slowly but surely some of it is changing, and changing for the better as mrbrown says. Maybe the society which i wish to see may not materialise in my lifetime. But i will at the very least, grant myself hope, and believe that the system is changing.
But what if the system is not changing? Then change would occur elsewhere. And i see only three options, and it shudders my soul to think about them.
One. I could start believing once more. It is not difficult to once more feel excited about national days, to think that the wise guys are doing their jobs properly, and that their hair is worth $10 more per haircut than mine. Some parts of the system leaves me disillusioned, other parts fill me with pride to be a sing.ah.porean. It is not difficult to subscribe once more to elitism, even if it means i'm on the bottom end. Leave the thinking to the big guys, no?
Which brings me to the question of why i type sing.ah.pore instead of Singapore. Actually i have no idea. But i think its like why peopletype gahmen instead of government. Maybe the anon people would prefer home affairs to be unable to google their comments up on keywords "government" when they talk bad about the country. But i cannot imagine anyone trying to search for dissent to be so stoopid not to google for "gahmen". Or maybe the anon people want to be searchable by keywords "gahmen".
Two. I can start after the likes of political opposition like JBJ or CSJ. However, while i'm a reckless man, i am not a brave man. I am not quite ready to go to jail for/to making/make a stand.
Three. Or i could leave. Assuming that it is easy to gain residentship in another country, how could i simply leave. What of my mom, aunties, cousins and friends? But looking at it again, it is also not difficult to leave, for i said mom, not parents or family, i said aunties not aunties and uncles, and i do not have that many friends.
But to leave is to start everything from scratch, in a land foreign, whose history, language, transport system, culture, policies, would be stranger to me. Have i the courage to do that? And would another country be any better? As Grace Chow said, "The feeling of comprehension was dawning upon me of what they meant when they said it was the same everywhere in the world. What did it matter that i was now in the western hemisphere? Human problems and needs remained alike. Misery cannot be stopped at border controls."
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No, lah ...... That is not what I am saying. You are picturing two extremes - the fervent, absolute, blind believer; and the atheist atheist.
ReplyDeleteBut you don't have to be one or the other. In between, there are actually a million other kinds of believers/unbelievers.
In the end, every human being walks a different spiritual journey. Even an atheist atheist has a spiritual journey - although he does not know it.
It is not necessarily any easier to be a believer than to be an unbeliever. It all depends on what kind of believer or unbeliever you are.
To give you a simple example, a believer may have a really tough time because his religious beliefs hold him up to standards that he feels very difficult to meet. He is perpetually feeling guilty about his sexual thoughts; his desire for money; his less-than-kind treatment of others etc etc.
And besides, in the end, the point of it all is not about "ease". In the end, you believe or disbelieve something because you think it is true or untrue.
On a separate point, in his book "The Road Less Travelled", psychiatrist Scott Peck relates two interesting case studies. In one case, the patient was a staunch Christian. In the other case, the patient was an atheist. Both patients had lots of serious personal problems and needed counselling.
Scott writes about how both of them, over time and with the help of his psychotherapy, resolved their problems and became well. The interesting point is that in the process of getting well, the staunch Christian became an atheist; and the atheist became a staunch Christian.
Scott's point is that you can't easily make any generalisations about how religion contributes to people's psychological wellbeing. The relationship is very complex.
Of course, your account of the possibility of ghostly encounters is not quite the same. Ghosts and spirits don't discriminate between believers and unbelievers. An atheist is just as likely as a believer to have such encounters.
Do you read Cowboy Caleb's blog? Recently he wrote about how his father saw the ghost of CC's deceased grandmother.
Perhaps another time we shall talk about ghosts, spirits and such. Mr Wang also has some thoughts on those.
And did I mention this to you before? Thomas Edison spent years of his life attempting to invent a device to communicate with ghosts. Alas, Thomas died and crossed over to the other side, before he completed his invention.
Hmm... generally, i try not to talk about believing or unbelieving if the personal experience belongs to a loved one. Just some of my own moral codes : )
ReplyDeleteWell, i would say Edison found the more reliable way of communicating with ghosts... : D